Jam Session – Sunday, February 5, 2023: Am I the Victim, or the Victor?

It’s all about them Perspective L’s.

When you choose to live in an illusion, you’re faced with the truth of having to confront it.

Under this Full Moon in Leo, we are being called to close out with finality the relationships and dynamics that are keeping us stuck in victim mode. Transmuting this energy will require true evaluation of the level of commitment we are bringing to these relationships, and the level of care we are receiving.

Commitment, is a gift. Commitment requires showing up to the game, ready to play, whether you’re sitting on the bench or not. Commitment, is following through with the things that you say you are going to do, and placing an ending to the things that no longer serve who you’re being called to become.

This means, we can approach commitment through a lens of half-heartedness, or with full devotion. Anything wavering between the emotional fence of half-heartedness lacks full commitment, and invites a world of unnecessary drama until you’re in a place to stay devoted to the choices that you made.

Let’s evaluate this thought through the lens of an experience I’ve had that made me question where I stood as the victim or the victor.

Family dynamics change the trajectory of our entire lives. After researching the link between prenatal stress and ADHD, I immediately texted my mother the article and relayed that the constant emotional stressors during her pregnancy are the reasons why my brain currently functions the way that it does.

I served this crappy PSA text with a hearty bowl of, “You should consider getting a diagnosis as well, as it is hereditary.”


Since my mother was the enemy of my progress, I added the following stressors to my thread:

  1. My inability to select a suitable long-term partner as I grew up with no example of a healthy, functioning relationship.
  2. My tendency to stay stuck in careers/jobs/relationships past their expiration dates due to her ability to hold things down to maintain stability for her family.
  3. My fluctuating weight and mood swings from her matrilineal line.
  4. My “I can do bad all by myself,” because I had no support from my parents to guide me towards making better choices.
  5. My oversharing with others being unable to get a word of conversation in over the phone with her.
  6. The relationship I have with my father because of the relationship she has with my father.
  7. The failure of my long-term goals and dreams due to her lack of motivation at pursuing her own, and her encouraging me to stick with the challenges.
  8. My lack of better stewardship over my finances because she never showed me how she actually ran her financial business.
  9. My struggle with getting a proper diagnosis because of my mother’s tribal memberships in the Beat-Ass Crew, and Cuz I Said So Explanations.
  10. My lack of boundaries with siblings and friends because of her lack of boundaries with her siblings.

I’m sure if I went through my journals, I would have expanded this list with more illusions. In reality, my mother was a fine victim for my victimhood. I wasn’t accepting the full control and autonomy over my own life. She gave birth to me, so who else should pay for that?

I lived within the security of these cyclical disagreements most when I was too afraid to confront my real fears:

I don’t want to die single and unfulfilled. I am not ready to own the matriarch role she created for the family when God’s appointed time comes. I don’t like my mother’s ways. I am afraid to lose her, because she’s been the only woman I ever emotionally felt had my back. I am scared that she won’t be able to see my greatness because I haven’t achieved all my desired goals.

According to Richard Rudd in the Gene Keys, half-heartedness is about “giving up at the first sign of trouble or discomfort and, ultimately, half-heartedness is rooted in deep un-embraced fear…”

He goes onto say, “if you quit something too soon you will stay in the same old loop, but if you follow experiences through to the end, you will make quantum leaps…”

Though in my mind, I was over-committed. What was half-hearted about being the model middle child, picking up the slack where my siblings would not? Was I half-hearted when I took on extra responsibilities and consequences, while receiving far less endearments and gifts like my prodigal siblings? Clearly, I am the victim here, for how did I benefit?

Let my mother tell it, she’d call me unreliable.

In my promises to visit, I’d fall short. I may have given her a time frame I couldn’t uphold, and that’s IF I actually showed up.

I would use the classic excuse, “The phone works both ways, you know,” and deflected my accountability in the situation. Other moments, I chose helping friends over helping my mother – and consistently made choices over who deserved the blame for my inadequacies, rather than confront the fears bubbling to the surface.

Until the Virgo full moon, Jam Sessions will focus on how our un-embraced fears wreak havoc in our lives, by noting its patterning in other relational spaces. I will present choices for how to can handle these situations as opposed to avoidance, or overreacting.

For those of us who do our best to live a righteous life, and are aware of our self-sabotaging tendencies, but don’t know how to stop…

  • Are you trying to appear as if everything is okay, when in fact, it’s not?
  • Are you seeing common relationship themes from childhood playing out in your professional or personal dynamics?

If so…

  • How do your unchecked fears create chaos in your life?
  • How can you show up to your commitments with devotion?
  • What may you need to let go of in order to achieve something new?

Stay tuned this month. Let’s dive into these early wounds, so we can reclaim our full essence.

Trigger warning: I’m not easily triggered, so I’m unaware of how this topic will land on you all, so I encourage you to move through this month on my blog with caution.

It’s time to do the work. I’m looking forward to healing with you.

A Prayer

Father God,

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Mood Music

Boyz II Men’s version of Can You Stand the Rain resonated for me as a child, because it was the purest definition of love I could think about at that time. Who would want someone unable to weather the storm with them? Who wouldn’t want someone reliable during the happy moments?

Our ability to withstand the rain with someone else is contingent upon how well we can manage our own emotional storms without deflecting or deferring the responsibility to another person.

To answer the question in the song title: As long as we’re putting on our own oxygen masks before supporting each other. We’ll grow stronger because of it.

I Love You. Until Next Time.

Jam Session: Full Moon and a Half Kinda Reflection

I’m Not Sure What it Means for you, but It’s Time.

It’s 11:55pm while I’m beginning this post, and that should tell you everything about the thoughts I’ve been wrestling with today.

“Jam, you know these things take time,” were the words uttered by my best friend as I sat in my favorite spot this evening along the harbor.

I looked up, and although the night was cloudy and misty in anticipation for the rain, I saw the full moon right in front of me. For the next 30 seconds the moon was clearly visible. All I had to do was look up slightly, and it was there – until the clouds returned and erased any trace of the once visible moon.

As I dictated to my friend what I witnessed, I said, “This has to have some deeper meaning of faith.”

The moon’s disappearance behind the clouds no less stopped today being a full moon, nor the fact that somewhere else, the moon is brightly illuminating the night sky. Even though I was privy to the moon for 30 seconds, I saw it. That’s a fact. And the clouds covered it. That’s a fact.

Sometimes, we get glimpses of moments when something is clearly illuminated for us to see. In our excitement, we may try to engage someone else in seeing things from our perspective, but they can’t. Whatever was meant for us to see can remain hidden until we have the faith and operate in the strength and confidence that we can move into the direction of the unseen.

In layman’s terms. We gotta keep keepin’ on. Fight through the resistance. Everyone is not going to see the vision intended for us. That’s okay. Keep moving in the direction, and remain faithful on your directed path.

When moving towards your path, remember not everyone will see what you see. They weren’t meant to. You may also have some people doubting your vision because they weren’t given the same clarity.

As long as that person isn’t you, stay faithful to the vision you set forth, and be gracious to all those journeying their respective paths as well. Remember that everything we want takes time, but in time, all things will be revealed.

I love you.

A Prayer

Father God,

Thank you for blessing me to be apart of the many, uniquely designed creations here on Earth, all created in your image. In the midst of my righteousness, I lose faith, and forget the joy You’ve placed in my heart, and the love and grace You freely provide each rising morning. Forgive me, and bless me to forgive others who have wronged me. Strengthen my capacity to show love and grace in the face of doubt and opposition, so that I may be an illuminated reflection of the beauty in your design.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Mood Music

Full moons represent emotional endings, changes, and growth. Full moons also mark the ending of the moon cycle, and great times to reflect on all that has happened over the course of this month. To whomever reads this, though I may not know what you’re struggling with directly, I know this is not the first season of opposition you’ve faced, though admittedly, it may be the most difficult, especially if this month has shined a light on areas where you need to transform in order to actualize your dreams. That’s okay. A little resistance never killed us. In the words of Ledisi, “Life can bring us through many changes; It’s alright. Just don’t give up, know that it’s gonna be alright.”

I’ve included this live performance to motivate and encourage us all not only for the gift of the blessing of her talent, but the encouragement she provides in the beginning as well. Be blessed today. It’s gonna be alright.

Until Next Time.