Jam Session – Sunday, February 5, 2023: Am I the Victim, or the Victor?

It’s all about them Perspective L’s.

When you choose to live in an illusion, you’re faced with the truth of having to confront it.

Under this Full Moon in Leo, we are being called to close out with finality the relationships and dynamics that are keeping us stuck in victim mode. Transmuting this energy will require true evaluation of the level of commitment we are bringing to these relationships, and the level of care we are receiving.

Commitment, is a gift. Commitment requires showing up to the game, ready to play, whether you’re sitting on the bench or not. Commitment, is following through with the things that you say you are going to do, and placing an ending to the things that no longer serve who you’re being called to become.

This means, we can approach commitment through a lens of half-heartedness, or with full devotion. Anything wavering between the emotional fence of half-heartedness lacks full commitment, and invites a world of unnecessary drama until you’re in a place to stay devoted to the choices that you made.

Let’s evaluate this thought through the lens of an experience I’ve had that made me question where I stood as the victim or the victor.

Family dynamics change the trajectory of our entire lives. After researching the link between prenatal stress and ADHD, I immediately texted my mother the article and relayed that the constant emotional stressors during her pregnancy are the reasons why my brain currently functions the way that it does.

I served this crappy PSA text with a hearty bowl of, “You should consider getting a diagnosis as well, as it is hereditary.”


Since my mother was the enemy of my progress, I added the following stressors to my thread:

  1. My inability to select a suitable long-term partner as I grew up with no example of a healthy, functioning relationship.
  2. My tendency to stay stuck in careers/jobs/relationships past their expiration dates due to her ability to hold things down to maintain stability for her family.
  3. My fluctuating weight and mood swings from her matrilineal line.
  4. My “I can do bad all by myself,” because I had no support from my parents to guide me towards making better choices.
  5. My oversharing with others being unable to get a word of conversation in over the phone with her.
  6. The relationship I have with my father because of the relationship she has with my father.
  7. The failure of my long-term goals and dreams due to her lack of motivation at pursuing her own, and her encouraging me to stick with the challenges.
  8. My lack of better stewardship over my finances because she never showed me how she actually ran her financial business.
  9. My struggle with getting a proper diagnosis because of my mother’s tribal memberships in the Beat-Ass Crew, and Cuz I Said So Explanations.
  10. My lack of boundaries with siblings and friends because of her lack of boundaries with her siblings.

I’m sure if I went through my journals, I would have expanded this list with more illusions. In reality, my mother was a fine victim for my victimhood. I wasn’t accepting the full control and autonomy over my own life. She gave birth to me, so who else should pay for that?

I lived within the security of these cyclical disagreements most when I was too afraid to confront my real fears:

I don’t want to die single and unfulfilled. I am not ready to own the matriarch role she created for the family when God’s appointed time comes. I don’t like my mother’s ways. I am afraid to lose her, because she’s been the only woman I ever emotionally felt had my back. I am scared that she won’t be able to see my greatness because I haven’t achieved all my desired goals.

According to Richard Rudd in the Gene Keys, half-heartedness is about “giving up at the first sign of trouble or discomfort and, ultimately, half-heartedness is rooted in deep un-embraced fear…”

He goes onto say, “if you quit something too soon you will stay in the same old loop, but if you follow experiences through to the end, you will make quantum leaps…”

Though in my mind, I was over-committed. What was half-hearted about being the model middle child, picking up the slack where my siblings would not? Was I half-hearted when I took on extra responsibilities and consequences, while receiving far less endearments and gifts like my prodigal siblings? Clearly, I am the victim here, for how did I benefit?

Let my mother tell it, she’d call me unreliable.

In my promises to visit, I’d fall short. I may have given her a time frame I couldn’t uphold, and that’s IF I actually showed up.

I would use the classic excuse, “The phone works both ways, you know,” and deflected my accountability in the situation. Other moments, I chose helping friends over helping my mother – and consistently made choices over who deserved the blame for my inadequacies, rather than confront the fears bubbling to the surface.

Until the Virgo full moon, Jam Sessions will focus on how our un-embraced fears wreak havoc in our lives, by noting its patterning in other relational spaces. I will present choices for how to can handle these situations as opposed to avoidance, or overreacting.

For those of us who do our best to live a righteous life, and are aware of our self-sabotaging tendencies, but don’t know how to stop…

  • Are you trying to appear as if everything is okay, when in fact, it’s not?
  • Are you seeing common relationship themes from childhood playing out in your professional or personal dynamics?

If so…

  • How do your unchecked fears create chaos in your life?
  • How can you show up to your commitments with devotion?
  • What may you need to let go of in order to achieve something new?

Stay tuned this month. Let’s dive into these early wounds, so we can reclaim our full essence.

Trigger warning: I’m not easily triggered, so I’m unaware of how this topic will land on you all, so I encourage you to move through this month on my blog with caution.

It’s time to do the work. I’m looking forward to healing with you.

A Prayer

Father God,

Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Mood Music

Boyz II Men’s version of Can You Stand the Rain resonated for me as a child, because it was the purest definition of love I could think about at that time. Who would want someone unable to weather the storm with them? Who wouldn’t want someone reliable during the happy moments?

Our ability to withstand the rain with someone else is contingent upon how well we can manage our own emotional storms without deflecting or deferring the responsibility to another person.

To answer the question in the song title: As long as we’re putting on our own oxygen masks before supporting each other. We’ll grow stronger because of it.

I Love You. Until Next Time.

Published by Jam

I'm on a journey towards a better understanding of self through written reflections on my romantic relationships, situationships, entanglements, and complicated friendships.

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